As adults, we all have those days when a dark cloud casts a shadow over our lives, colouring our world with longing and emptiness.
However, for children who have experienced emotional neglect, this feeling often becomes an ordinary and seemingly everyday occurrence. Emotional neglect is frequently overlooked and often not recognised as a form of trauma, yet it constitutes one of the most severe types of trauma that a child can endure.
My career has provided me with an in-depth understanding of this phenomenon as I have had the opportunity to talk with many people, across different cultures, who grew up in emotionally neglectful households. Their stories have not only revealed their current struggles but also shed light on the impact that their formative years have on their day-to-day experiences.
Defining Childhood Emotional Neglect
So, what exactly is childhood emotional neglect?
In essence, childhood emotional neglect is often the absence of a response, rather than an intentional act committed by parents. Often unbeknownst to them, parents inadvertently overlook emotional awareness, validation, and open discussion.
But what does emotional neglect look like in the life of a child? I often compare it to the background of a family picture – something that goes unnoticed by external observers, the family itself, and even the child. It may appear as if nothing is wrong. After all, how can a child possibly recognise that something essential is missing?
How can they possibly know that their parents should:
- Take notice when they are feeling something?
- Make an effort to identify their emotions?
- Demonstrate interest and concern regarding their feelings?
- Engage in conversations about their emotions?
By taking these steps, parents teach their children how to recognise and identify their feelings, encouraging them to become interested and concerned about their emotional well-being. This teaches the child life skills, setting them on a path toward emotional awareness, enrichment, and connectedness.
Growing up with your emotional life ignored teaches you to disregard your own emotions. Consequently, you may downplay or even feel ashamed of one of the most authentic, helpful, grounding, and connecting resources available to you: your feelings.
The impact of childhood emotional neglect is something that I witness on a day-to-day basis. Adults who have learned to block, ignore, or minimise their emotions in childhood encounter specific challenges in their adult lives. However, it is important to note that these challenges can be addressed and changed.
As a psychologist, I have observed and assisted numerous clients in overcoming these challenges, including:
- Deep discomfort or awkwardness with expressing both positive and negative emotions, whether from oneself or others.
- A chronic sense of emptiness or emotional numbness that intermittently surfaces.
- A secret belief of being inexplicably flawed.
- A sense of being different from others in an indescribable way.
- A tendency to experience guilt and shame.
- A lack of understanding of emotions and how they function.
Do you identify with any of these feelings? While recognising these traits may be uncomfortable, by acknowledging them, you give yourself the opportunity to address them, learn new skills on how to face them, and create a more holistic sense of self.
Taking the courageous step of acknowledging and confronting emotions that you may have suppressed in the past can open the door to a realm of emotional and spiritual growth, ultimately paving the way for a level of happiness and fulfilment that was previously unattainable.
This, in turn, helps you in your adult relationships with others, but most importantly, with yourself.
Reinier offers a 20-minute online meet-and-greet intro session for prospective clients to experience what it would be like working with him.
Click here to book your session.